I am going through a roller coaster of emotions , suddenley i cannot recognise myself any longer

I am going through a roller coaster of emotions , Suddenley I cannot recognise myself any longer.Each day seems longer and dreary , my energy is spilt  I focus on all the negativity  of the situation i find myself in.Being negative helps me , its my own way of playing god. See I believe if you are negative and harshly critisize yourself ,you  punish yourself for the sin you have committed.

 The road ahead looks blurry, No vision ,hope or dreams. This is the first time I feel stagnant, immovable , stationery. I see thick fog and mist ahead , my lies are catching up with me .I am living a double live filled with intrigue , animosity , fear and drama.I live for the adrenaline rush , looking behind me in case anyone  sees me  or erasing the trails of evidence from all devices don’t want paper trails. The idea of people catching on that my life is a hoax drives me to sharpen my acting skills. The sad truth is there is  no progress just regression.

I feel like a two headed snake , portraying innocence & displaying deceit ,lies & secrecy. I have lost my morals and values as I aged and I am so ashamed to admit to my iniquities,but I feel so much worse putting up this pretence . I should bow out and just release the sinful life that I lead.

I am leading  a life I never could have  imagined I would live ,became someone totally amiss, this my friends is a result of all the inaccurate decisions that I made .Thinking that I fooled the world but only to find the joke was on me.Eight years have come and gone and the only thing that I have to show for it is empty life , heart and soul.

You see I have realised that each & every choice you make takes you one step closer to whom you will become because every decision shouldn’t be made in vain but the broader picture should be considered .The repercussion’s of making bad choices scar you deeper than a double edged sword through your skin.The scars that are unseen run deeper than flesh wounds . You see these cannot be healed with medication but psychological mind games and as soon as you have found a way to soften the voice deep inside you , the world seems as a much better place.

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