If you’re ever in jackson, mississippi, during the third weekend in march, you will see one of the most interesting st

If you’re ever in Jackson, Mississippi, during the third weekend in March, you will see one of the most interesting St. Patrick’s Day parades in the country. While it’s technically the town parade, the highlight every year is a group of red-wigged, green-and-fuschia-clad, majorette-boot-stomping ladies and “ladies” of a certain age. These are the Sweet Potato Queens, a now-nationwide organization of Southern and wannabe-Southern women who follow the beliefs of Jill Conner Brown, the head Sweet Potato Queen and brilliant writer of redneck humor.

The Queens preach that Southern food is the best food in the world, women are here to be worshiped by men, and the unique mystique of Southern women centers around their strength.

Redneck men, you can learn from this. According to the Sweet Potato Queen, this is what redneck women really want:

1. To be fed. Redneck women find comfort in foods from the four main food groups: sweet, salty, fried, and au gratin. This is partly because it’s what they grew up with, and partly because that’s just the tasty kind of food. If you are any kind of cook, even a barbecue cook, feed her with food you cooked yourself. If you also killed it yourself, ask first; some women, even redneck women, can be squeamish about eating Bambi and Thumper.

2. The perfect man. Brown lists out the five different men every woman must have in her life: a man who can fix things; a man you can dance with; a man who can pay for things; a man you can talk to; and a man to have great sex with. Brown says you can’t find all five in a single man, at least in her experience, so women generally need more than one. Which of these five categories do you need to work on?

3. Every woman deserves a tiara. This is deeper than it sounds. Inside almost every girl is the beauty queen who lost, the one who didn’t become prom queen or win the pageant. Now, every girl must discover for herself that she needs a tiara; you can’t give it to her, and no matter how many times you tell her she’s beautiful, she still may not believe it. But you can help her indulge her inner queen by letting her do all the prissy stuff that annoys you. Don’t complain because she takes forever getting ready, and for goodness sake don’t tell her she doesn’t need all that makeup, at least not right away. Instead, be properly appreciative of the trouble she went to. A clue for you: she didn’t do it to impress you. She did it to boost her own self-confidence. Use this information wisely, redneck man.

4. A real man. All that perfect man stuff up above doesn’t mean squat if you can’t protect her at the crucial point. Be a man. Don’t give in to the metrosexual crap, do all the stuff your mama and grandma taught you to do for ladies, and give in to your inner urge to care for her.

You can learn a lot more from The Sweet Potato Queen’s Book of Love, but this little dab of wisdom will get you on the right track with your redneck woman starting out. Bless your heart.

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